Dear Mr. King,
I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday! No, my name is not CHRISTINE or ROSE MADDER. I’m just a simple girl from a simple town who lives in THE HOUSE ON MAPLE STREET. Number 1408. Thank God it’s not Elm Street. (That would have been a nightmare don’t you think? ha ha) No, I’m just A FACE IN THE CROWD of your many Constant Readers who just want to wish you joy on your special day. I hope your wife doesn’t mind that I’m writing to you. You seem to have A GOOD MARRIAGE so I guess I shouldn’t worry about that. If only I had JUST A LITTLE TALENT I could write you a poem or a creepy story about A DEATH or the AFTERLIFE. You really like those scary stories don’t you? The kind that give you SHIVERS. Me too, I’m afraid. I like to sit in the DARKNESS on a night that’s FULL DARK, NO STARS in the SUMMER THUNDER when it’s FOUR PAST MIDNIGHT in SILENCE while I drink THE DEVIL’S WINE with my dog CUJO curled up beside me. Just kidding, his name is Toby but trust me his bite is worse than his bark. I’m not kidding about the wine part though. My favourite wine is called Back From the Dead Red by Coffin Ridge. Look it up if you don’t believe me. A little spot in Grey County Ontario.
Anyways, I know getting older sucks but I’m a little worried about you Mr. King. You’ve been looking much THINNER these days like you’re captain of the SKELETON CREW. Eat something for Christ’s sake. (I apologize, I didn’t mean to be a dirty birdie. Forgive me, I got carried away.) I just want you to be around to write more books. Selfish I know. I’m just jealous of your talent Stephen. (May I call you Stephen? No?) ENVY Mr. King. It’s my LITTLE GREEN GOD OF AGONY. So before you even look upon THE REAPER’S IMAGE, look inside THE DARK HALF of your soul that’s crying in DESPERATION to get out. Take some advice from Nike and just do IT. Write me another DARK TOWER novel. Write me another nightmare to give me CHATTERY TEETH and INSOMNIA. I didn’t want to sleep anyways. Put me out of my MISERY and be THE SHINING of literary excellence I need you to be. Take a vacation in DUMA KEY or crack open a Coor’s Light. I hear it’s the SILVER BULLET of beers. (See what I did there?) Do whatever you need to do to keep those creative juices flowing.
In short, I need you to CARRIE on Mr. King. I hope your next DEDICATION is to me. After all, I’m your number one fan.
The Girl Who Loved Stephen King